Despite engaging in endless day-sex in front of floor-to-ceiling windows, Married At First Sight’s cheating husband turns on his mistress at Wednesday night’s dinner party after she ambushes him with a revelation before drunkenly igniting a disgusting fight with the group.
Ugly lies spew across the table and no insult is off-limits as everyone throws the gloves off to play dirty. Even bogans are mercilessly lashed tonight when a particularly sharp barb is hurled.
“I feel like the drama is well and truly over,” Martha sighs while entering the warehouse for tonight’s party. It’s cute you think that, Martha.
After dividing the group with their affair and causing mass unrest, Jessika and Dan decide it’s more than appropriate to welcome everyone to tonight’s dinner with a toast.
“We really just wanted to say thank you for accepting us tonight into the group as a new couple,” Jessika spluts, failing to notice that absolutely no one accepts this.
Because everyone is ignoring her, Jessika pulls Martha away to reveal information none of us wish to hear.
“He and I have already had so much day-sex with all the curtains open,” Jessika splatters and we suddenly feel the need to clean every window in our own home.
“I’m so in looo … I feel like I wanna say I’m so in love. I am. I am.”
Eep. Jessika’s falling way too fast. She’s infatuated. This will freak Dan out. It may even drive him away. Of course, we encourage her to tell him.
Back at the table, Mike and Heidi are still determined to carve out a significant storyline but unless it involves Heidi being a sad sack while trapped on a pirate ship, we just don’t care.
“They’re breaking up in front of our eyes,” John Aiken whimpers. Good. We’re gonna go find another carafe of wine and tell Dan we saw him having sex through the window.
Because there’s basically no one left in the experiment, producers have to interfere more than ever to ensure maximum drama is created. “Honesty boxes” are promptly distributed.
Dan pulls out a question for Jessika.
“Before I got here, were you looking for an ‘out’ in your relationship with Mick?” he asks.
“Ummmm,” Jessika splurts. “No. I wasn’t happy with Mick. And I was ready to go home. But I stayed for you.”
My, my. Quite the selective memory you have, Jessika. You’re failing to recall the night you propositioned Nic who promptly rejected you before you propositioned Dan just moments later.
“How serious and genuine are you about me?” Dan grunts, expecting just a general positive reply.
This is when Jessika goes way too far. She actually takes our advice and tells Dan she’s obsessed.
“I’m definitely in love with you,” Jessika splats.
“In, in … in love with me?” Dan stumbles.
“Yeah. I am in love with you,” Jessika splurts.
Just to clarify for the group: They’ve been together officially for one week.
“Hmmm. Ah. Nice,” he replies.
It’s a terrible reply. We love it.
Dan pulls out another card from the honesty box in the hope it changes the subject. “Ask me anything,” the card reads. Jessika takes full advantage.
“Do you love me?” she splatters.
We all stare at Dan. “Yeah! Do you love her!” we ask cheerily while sipping from our carafe.
What a bind to be in. He doesn’t love her, but what else can he say?
“Um. Ummm. I think … I … do?” he grunts under the pressure.
Even the experts judge.
Jessika doesn’t back down.
“You think you do or you know you do?” she splats.
“ … I … do,” Dan mumbles.
Everyone’s in pain watching Jessika bully Dan into saying he loves her, but they go along with it and try their hardest not to grimace. But Jessika doesn’t afford others that courtesy.
When it comes to Mike and Heidi’s honesty box, it’s the same old boring rubbish with them crying and threatening to break up with each other. By now, we’re used to tolerating it — we just treat it like Heidi’s government housing story and block it out. But while we scroll through our phone and wait for something better to happen, we hear a giggle. No, a chortle. A snicker, if you will.
But it’s not just any snicker. It’s a snicker with spluttery undertones. JESSIKA.
At first we think she’s just laughing at Mark because his nude-coloured sweater makes him look like a big human penis, but we soon realise she’s laughing at Mike and Heidi’s marriage.
Everyone whips around to glare.
“Is this funny to you?” Mike booms across the table.
“I just think you’re a pig, really,” she spluts back.
Mike counters: “I can’t stand your face anymore! How dare you speak to me like that!”
It’s ugly. Tensions escalate immediately and everyone decides to pull the gloves off. Even that annoyingly content redhead feels the need to jump in.
“You’ve got girls and you’ve got women,” she says about Jessika and Martha.
“Jules! Jules! Why are you a woman and we’re gewls?” Jessika splats. The answer is basically that Jules doesn’t pronounce the world “girls” like a three-year-old.
Michael tries to stand up for Martha but none of us can take him seriously while he’s wearing his wife’s pantsuit.
It’s no secret the group disapproves of Jessika. But tonight, they’re all taking her on. She’s at the bottom of the pile. Scrambling, she decides to use one of her tried and true tricks to flip the tables. It’s the same trick she used last week at the girls’ night when she told Ning those lies about Mark.
“Mike! You sat there and told me you wanted to say ‘no’ in your final vows because your and Heidi’s relationship is so bad!” she scream-splutters across the table.
“You said it’s just been a shit-fight from the staaaaart!”
It’s a low blow. Dirty and ruthless — a desperate last resort by someone who isn’t equipped to climb out of the hole she has dug herself into. Jessika’s trying to destroy more lives with her untruths and Mike’s ready to play dirty.
“Does that sound like my words? Does that bogan f*ckin’ bullshit sound like my words?” he yells, slamming both Jessika and bogans in general.
“Why would I wanna jep-ra-dise your relationship? I don’t care enough to jep-ra-dise it!” Jessika splurts. Oh Jessika. As a side note, we make a mental note to watch the hit Ashley Judd thriller Double Jep-ra-dy once this show finishes.
Dan’s had enough. He’s humiliated. Mainly because his wife is mispronouncing every third word but also because she’s making a scene. He tries to stop her, but she keeps attacking everyone at the table.
“You’re a piece of shit!” Jessika continues to yell.
Suddenly, Dan turns on her.
“Stop it! I’m over it! I’m f*ckin’ over it!” he yells at her.
Tonight is too much for Dan. He has been ambushed and made to admit to feelings he doesn’t even have in front of people he doesn’t even like. And now Jessika has gone and destroyed any scrap of integrity their relationship could’ve retained.
“Tonight I got to see a side of Jess I’m not comfortable with. I’ve seen a side of her that seems to like to fight and find the drama. I don’t like that behaviour. I’ve got a few questions to ask myself now,” he grunts to us as he remembers the simple days of drinking wine through a straw with Tamara.
Jessika doesn’t know it yet, but she has jep-ra-dised everything.
For more observations on nude sweaters and my favourite movie Double Jep-ra-dy, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir