Recently there’s been a lot of talk about possible Nintendo movies. From Brie Larson saying she’d love to star in a Metroid movie, to the animated Super Mario Bros. film getting a tentative 2022 release date, we got to thinking about the Nintendo movie we really want to see—one based on arguably the greatest party game ever released: Super Smash Bros. And you better believe we’d want it to be live-action. So to start the fight to get it made, we went ahead and cast the whole film with our dream choices.
Only the original lineup, though—not everyone who’ll show up in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. We’re not looking to make the Nintendo equivalent to Infinity War, here. Not at least until the fourth installment.
Oscar Isaac as Mario
For the face of Nintendo, we need a true star. Someone likable, but with gravitas. This person also needs to be heroic and brave. Most importantly, he needs to look great with a mustache. And hey! That’s-a him! Oscar Isaac! But the perfect Mario needs a perfect Luigi.
Adam Driver as Luigi
Not only because it would be amazing to see Kylo Ren play Poe Dameron’s overlooked brother, but because we want Luigi’s performance to range from “upbeat hero” to “filled with ennui” to “death stare.” Adam Driver can pull all of that off, and we’d get the bonus of seeing him in a stupid hat and overalls. (At this point our imaginary Super Smash Bros. movie is poised to make Star Wars and Marvel money.)
Michelle Yeoh as Samus
We’d cast Brie Larson in every movie if we could, but we take fantasy casting way too seriously to let someone else do it for us. Fortunately we have the perfect person to play Metroid‘s hero Samus Aran. Someone who has been a badass for just as long: Michelle Yeoh is so great she should actually be a playable character in Super Smash Bros.
Danny McBride as Donkey Kong
Donkey Kong can be a villain or a hero, so we need someone who can be both. The role also requires an actor who can pull off the challenging physical aspect, all while remaining likable even at his worst. So we’re putting Danny McBride into a motion-capture suit and letting him steal the movie. This will definitely lead to a DK spin-off.
Anthony Mackie as Captain Falcon
We’re going meta to cast Falcon with a Falcon, but that’s not the only reason to cast Mackie as the famous F-Zero pilot. In addition to looking the part, we envision the solitude-loving bounty hunter as a great source of comedy in our movie, and Mackie’s sense of humor is underrated. He’d be perfect as a paranoid, confident Captain Falcon.
Timothée Chalamet as Link
For the brave Hylian boy known for his humility, we need a young actor who can be heroic while also being humble. We also need to make sure he has great hair, because a Link without great hair would be GARBAGE. We have the perfect, well-coifed person for the role: sentient Fabergé egg Timothée Chalamet.
Doug Jones as Yoshi
We have no idea how someone would play Yoshi. We also have no idea how a movie where a woman has sex with a fish won Best Picture, but we know Doug Jones’ performance as the aquatic being was a huge factor there. So we’re taking the preeminent cinematic creature actor and letting him figure it out.
Bobby Moynihan as Kirby
Kirby can imitate his opponent’s powers, and the role would basically be entirely physical. So we need a performer who can not only do impressions, but who can do a lot with just a look. We’re not going to do better than SNL alum Bobby Moynihan, the man who created Anthony Crispino and Drunk Uncle.
Gary Sinise as Fox McCloud
In addition to being a great, barrel-rolling pilot, Fox McCloud is brave, stoic, and cocky. Also he’s a fox. So we need someone who can physically encompass the part while bringing all of the seriousness it deserves—someone who won’t back down from anyone, no matter their shape or size. That’s why we’re flying with Lt. Dan himself and current silver fox Gary Sinise.
Ving Rhames as Pikachu
Okay, this might seem weird at first, but Pikachu needs to be fearsome but lovable, formidable but approachable. As the face of Pokémon, he also needs to be played by someone with true screen presence. Try and tell us that doesn’t describe Ving Rhames. YOU CAN’T.
Chosen Jacobs as Ness
The youngest combatant in the game needs a talented young man who knows what it’s like to deal with powers beyond anything a normal child faces. He also needs to be brave and willing to stand up to anything. That’s why we’ve chosen Chosen Jacobs, who played Mike in IT.
Björk as Jigglypuff
Serious question: is Jigglypuff based on Björk, or is Björk actually Jigglypuff? We don’t just want Björk to voice the angelic-voiced, attention hogging, sentient balloon, though. We also want her to do it in motion-capture so she can win an Oscar. This is such perfect casting we wouldn’t even make our pretend movie if we couldn’t get her.
What do you think, though? What roles did we get right and which ones did we get wrong? Tell us in the comments below what cast changes you’d make.
Images: Nintendo, Marvel, HBO, Bjork, NBC, Bleecker Street, CBS, Universal Pictures, TSG Entertainment, Paramount, Warner Bros.